No? Ya me neither. I did however read a lot of cringe-worthy idiocy. You guessed it, it was book no #2 on the ‘How to kill yourself with chick-lit” series. If you’re interested to know more about this series, you can start over here.
Book # 2 is is called …’Bindis And Brides’. From the same author who authored this
So now for introductions of the delightful characters of this book.
Hunky dory Englishman Joel is a hot shot mountaineer. He climbs mountains like how Ryan and Steve climb on window grills. With remarkable ease and no thought of safety or consequences. He also sleeps with as many leggy bimbos as he can. But but but, he is horribly in love with his girlfriend Candy. Yes he is and you cannot question it. The books says so. So there.
One day, the Indian beauty Zarleena walks into Joel’s life. And Joel’s life changes forever..blah..blah..blah. And after several tragic paragraphs and an even worse climax (both sexually and story wise) , Joel and Zarleena finally put an end to the readers misery and get on with their life with each other.
Now for some exciting paragraphs from the book…
The Part where we meet Joel for the first time.
‘Everyone would know which woman Joel Winters had chosen for his latest love-making marathon because, by morning , a metallic thud could be heard just outside the house of the woman in question. The distinctive sound of a female throwing away her vibrator knowing full well that the orgasm she’d received the night before from Joel could never be replaced by a Super Rabbit Orgasmatron 2000. One lady, in a state of confusion threw out her Hotpoint washing machine, shouting, “Won’t be needing you anymore,”only to remember later that she used it for washing.’
The woman in question threw out her washing machine, people. He was THAT good. And if you Googled about it, you would understand that when you get an adrenaline rush , throwing a 65 kg washing machine out of a window with your bare hands is just ‘plain believable’. It is. And, mind you every other part of this book is very believable too.
The Part where Joel sees Zarleena for the first time.
‘There was no denying her beauty, even Pinocchio couldn’t lie about that, and her sweet friendly charm was so warming it could defrost a cheesecake in seconds’
The Part where we are reminded of Joel’s incredible physique (again)
‘Most people, after sleeping the night on the sofa, wake up looking like the leftovers of a Chinese takeaway. Joel on the other hand, in the opinion of the women he had slept with over the years appeared gourmet appetizing. His naked upper body was the perfect visual starter and main. And for the dessert? There was not a black cherry gateaux, or an apple tart, or even sponge pudding that could compete with the dessert that Joel kept tucked away in his boxer shorts. And what’s more, you couldn’t get fat from it either(unless you swallowed his custard).’
Someone’s been watching too much Food Network. Not judging. I’ve been there.
The Part where Indian women are horribly stereotyped.
‘Most Indian girls who live with their parents have one arm bigger than the other. Constantly stirring dhal and chopping coriander causes this lop-sided disability.’
Any Indian female out there who has such a disability, please raise your ‘dhal’ hand please.
The Part where the Author should have fired her Editor.
‘Well, at least he didn’t lie to himself”, he thought scratching his twenty-inch cock.‘
Joel scratches his WHAT??? A 20 inch monstrosity!!! Call me old fashioned but I like my books to go through a spellcheck and edit first.
The Part where we are reminded about Joel being a mountaineer (again)
“I’m about to avalanche, quick, the avalanche.”
Hmm, Joel’s very descriptive, most blokes just say, “I’m coming”
I will never view the word ‘avalanche’ the same way ever again
The Part where Zarleena is being blackmailed by her abusive Indian ex.
‘He dropped a couple of snapshots by her feet. “Just a reminder of the mango pickle you’ve got yourself into.”‘
Yes and that is exactly how Indian people talk.
– I am in such a mango pickle.
– When life gives you Atta, make chappathis.
-All that glitters is not gold (so go to the gold shop and get that chain BIS Hallmarked!!!)
The Part where Indian women are horribly stereotyped (again).
‘Most boys Zarleena had known in her past probably expected that an Indian girl kept spices down there or something, all though she did know of one Indian girl who kept a drawing compass there, just in case she was called upon to make a perfectly round chapatti.’
Because whipping out an instrument from your lady parts to make food is very Indian, traditional and hygienic.
The Part where Joel and Zarleena make love.
‘Joel slid down her skirt and kicked it under the table; he was kinder with her knickers and hung them on a drawer knob. Without thinking, Zarleena unbuckled his jeans and threw them across the room; she was kinder with his boxers and hung them on his erect knob.’
Did you guys imagine that in your head? Ok my point is made then.
The Part where I realise I am overanalysing a Novel.
‘Joel hated the claustrophobic feeling of having an ultimatum thrust upon him. His freedom squeezed from his body like the juice of a ripe lemon, leaving a life without zest.’
Ok so logically his juice was squeezed out. The lemon juice, you dirty minds. But nothing mentioned about being zested, so HOW IS HIS LIFE WITHOUT ZEST??? Too much Food Network again.
I am onto the third novel ‘Passion and Poppadums’ by the same author. Page 64, and haven’t found a single flawed paragraph yet. Bollocks.